Surrogate

I stopped using his full title
because it started sounding too formal,
and it’s hard to be standoffish with someone
who swaps albums and memories so generously,
who loves German chocolate but hates the smell of oranges,
who knows me by my boneless,
drowsy form on the couch and by my words.

And maybe one day he’ll ask
me to drop the title altogether and call him Brad,
but I won’t.
Because it sounds too much like dad,
and I’m afraid of slipping up.




I don't want anyone to misunderstand me - I'm not unloved. My family is quite large. I've never wanted for anything, partly because I so rarely ask for anything that when I do it's such a novelty that I'm not often refused. But they don't really know I write. They know, but not really.

It's like when you're a kid and you make a crappy crayon drawing and show it to Mom and you get that not-really-there pat on the head and a "that's nice" because she's tired and has been working all day and your scribbles aren't really a priority, you know? It's not anyone's fault. I'm glad my family has never shown much interest in my writing. I would have censored myself. I would have been too careful. But at the same time, now that I have the proper lens to examine it by, I know that it would have been nice to have that support. And that's where Doc came in.

About this time last year I started getting these glimpses of humanity in a figure that had previously been very distant and it intrigued me. I wrote about it. I gave him the results. And Doc was the first person that ever asked to read more of my writing, not for a grade in a class, not as part of a writing group, not as part of an exchange, but just because he wanted to. Just because he thought it was something special.

I've talked about the relationship enough that I don't have to go into details, but I noticed this a few weeks ago when he told me how much he loved German chocolate cake because my dad loves German chocolate cake and it was like something in my head went click.

I don't know. I guess what baffles me about the whole thing is that I never realized I needed that support and approval until he waltzed in and just gave it to me without even thinking about it. I can't explain how fulfilling and satisfying it is to have someone like that in my life.

Patience

I keep forgetting I have a blog. I do a weekly journal on dA already, so it seems odd to keep this one too I guess. Maybe one day I'll finally get into the swing of things and make it a real habit.

Been rather stuck lately with writing. Not writer's block - I don't get writer's block. Rather, I have long periods of time in which I simply don't feel like writing anything. I'm rarely at a loss for ideas or anything like that. I can make myself write if I need to, but I'd rather do it because I want to.

It'll come back. It always does.

Spring break is apparently next week. Huh.

Independent Study has gone rather quiet too. Poor Doc is just getting slammed with work. I really don't know how he keeps up. I just dropped a class because this semester was going to end up being too much otherwise.

A Real Writer

"I know real writers and I know people that write for a living; they aren't the same thing."

In the hierarchy of amazing compliments gifted to me, being called a real writer is right up there with the time a librarian told me I had very brave taste in books.

Minnick just gets it. He knows what I'm trying to do with my writing and why I do it. He understands about giving your work away and I don't have to explain it. It's just so refreshing to talk to someone like that. I've been reading over a story of his the past few days, which is how I ended up in a two hour conversation with him in the computer lab. Things were kinda all over the place, but there are a few moments I want to keep.

One was him noting that I seemed happier. I didn't really notice, but, now that it's been pointed out, I am happier. A lot of it has been reflected in my postcards; several of them have been far more cheerful than my usual fare. And I know it's because I have someone IRL to go back and forth with the way we have been.

Two was being told that these cards of mine are something special. I already knew he felt that way, but it's nice to actually hear it.

Three was the line I started with up there - hearing that he thought I was a "real" writer, a person that writes for myself and because I want to, not someone that writes to be famous. I don't think I could write for a living. I don't want to write because I have to eat.

Now he has me listening to Springsteen's Born to Run and I'm going to send him a rock opera of my own in return XP I'm not sure how we got on to that topic, but whatever. It's been a good night.

Obligated

I've apparently been tagged by Qui est in literis.

The Rules:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. State 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 bloggers for this award and link to them.
5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

Since I don't know 15 bloggers, everyone who sees this has to do it until 15 people have done it. There.

Seven things though?

1. Stuff on my wall; a 2x3 whiteboard, a corkboard with photographs on it, a sticky note Mario, a hanging organizer stuffed with papers, a magnetic platypus, several fedoras, a Pikachu backpack, a Knite poster, my scarf collection, a bunch of necklaces. I use many wall hooks because my room is little.

2. I used to play violin. I was never very good. The only reason I played at all was because my Mom wouldn't let me play cello. Her excuse was that cellos were expensive. How this matters when the school provided instruments, I don't know. I stopped altogether two years later.

3. Lately, I've been using Netflix to get to sleep. Phineas and Ferb. For some reason, having something familiar playing that I can ignore makes it easier to sleep. I really do adore this show though, sleep aid qualities aside.

4. This is my last semester in college, barring a few summer credits. Most people are excited to get out of school; I don't know how to do anything else but be a student. The usual job-related Catch-22 has kept me from finding anything in the real world. And I'm going to miss my mentor.

5. I don't do diets, but ever since I put an exercise bike in my room to help me watch TV, I've lost 20 pounds. Without it, I end up playing on my laptop instead of watching my shows. The bike keeps me physically occupied while letting my mind go elsewhere. Space issues aside, it's a perfect solution.

6. I love Chinese food. The first thing I do with my paycheck is hit the Chinese place.

7. I spent fat too long trying to think up interesting things for this list and I'm pretty sure I failed >.>

That's It.

I'm done with this semester. I just sent in my last essay.

I've been feeling a bit better the past few days which leads me to believe a lot of my being sick really has been stress. It's still not totally gone though. I just want to sleep for a while.

I also managed to get my registration confirmed today. Every semester I have issues with registration and this year was no exception. I went up to campus to find out what this fine was about during the trip I found out some stuff that I really should have been told about months ago. But that's neither here nor there I guess. The important thing is that I'm all set for next semester, barring textbooks.

While I was up there, I went through the postcards I'd giving to Minnick so far - I couldn't recall which ones I'd already given him in the past. Luckily, I've managed to avoid giving him any repeats =) Finally got to see his new office, which is very shiny compared to the one in the English department. Not that I actually know what the one in the English department looks like under all those books he has stacked in there. Spent almost an hour just chatting with him around campus and now I feel so much better about life - I had no idea how much I needed to just talk to someone for a little while. Not about anything in particular, just not about school or working or what have you. I feel so much more relaxed for it.

Settle

So I've been worried about some stuff. Worrying that has been interfering with my ability to do my schoolwork. But tonight a lot of the anxiety seems to have melted away. I don't really know why, just that I looked up about an hour ago and realized how relaxed I felt. Maybe my anxiety reached a peak and had nowhere to go but down. Maybe watching eight episodes of Once Upon a Time offered enough distraction to forget about it for a while. Maybe I needed this exercise bike that's now sitting in my room more than I thought. Maybe it was the fact that today was, technically, the last official day of classes. Or maybe it was the chat I had with Dr. Minnick as we left campus this evening.

I guess it's easiest to say it was a combination of all of these things. I really hope it lasts, because I can't keep fretting like I have been. It's going to burn me out very quickly.

Anyway, it was the last day, but I'm not done yet. I still have some papers and projects to do and, of course, finals. My real last day will be on the 18th. My last two tests are on that day and then I can wash my hands of this semester that's been killing me. This school year has been really rough.

Broken Pedestal

Cracked... you were one of my favorite websites. Why are you killing yourself like this? D=

Have a read over those comments folks. This is what gets you banned at Cracked - sane, rational, civil discussion. Not one of those comments exists anymore. Strangely, not one of them violates the User Policy either. I can't imagine why someone at Cracked feels the need to hide these comments.

This is only four screencaps - I didn't make more. I didn't feel the need to, but over well 500 comments are missing from the comments section and now it seems the moderators are just deleting them as they come.

For those not in the know, allow me to quickly summarize the situation:

John Cheese writes this article. It's a bit condescending, but nothing to be all that upset over. Cheese follows up by specifically stating on his Facebook and Twitter that the article was an attack on the comment section of Cracked and continues shooting himself in the foot with some pretty horrific insults that I'm not comfortable repeating here. The comment section (rightfully) explodes with indignation.

I have managed to get myself banned altogether - not just my account, my IP address. For the post in the first picture.

I had commented perhaps half a dozen times since having an account with Cracked, if that, before this incident. I haven't so much as uttered a "damn" over the whole incident, so why the deletion and ban? I don't even know how to react to this much douche.

Before the Year Ends

 School things:

• Annotation Project for History of the English Language
• Unknown Project for History of the English Language
• Study up for Algebra Final
• 10 page paper on Italo Calvino
• Make a resume
• Complete Self Assessment and Reflection for Career Perspectives.
• Will probably have to write a paper on Hitchcock for Film as Literature
• Probably won't have any other Finals though.
• Keep working on radio project with Minnick, don't forget about the 12th.

But the semester is nearly over, so I'm going to need some new projects to take on soon.

•  Make another hollow book. I think I could do much better on the second round. Though I doubt I'll be able to get the edges clean.
• Fill a bottle full of origami stars. I haven't folded any in quite a while, not since I filled up the last bottle. I even used up my entire backup stash.
• Flash fiction contest - I opted not to do one during NaNo because, you know, class and finals and holidays, but I really do new to come up with a decent prompt. I've been suggested "vintage," something taking place in a diner, a Catholic confessional, and instant and unspoken love.
• Write way too many postcards. I've been slacking on putting things in mailboxes. I'm going to need more flash fiction stories.
• Make a card for the deviantART Holiday Card Project. Make multiple if possible because I'm such a mail whore and hate hoarding stamps for very long.
• I really want to try that melted crayon thing. It looks pretty cool and super easy.
• I should really make use of that origami kit that I got for my birthday. I still suck at folding paper though - you have no idea how truly terrible I am at making anything more complicated than a Lucky Star.
• Collect some leaves. Find something to do with them.

Also, make more use of Netflix. Dad wants me to watch Once Upon A Time so he can have someone to talk about it with. I've got a bunch of anime to catch up on myself; I've got Serial Experiments Lain lined up and will be going for Kino No Tabi next. Maybe an action series after that.

I've even managed to read most of the books I've had lying around. I feel so accomplished.

I'm Still Here, Even if No One Else Is

Maybe I should make this a weekly update instead?

I spent my Halloween watching American Beauty in Film class. I liked it well enough I guess, but I don't care to ever see it again. I felt awkward watching it; everyone is dysfunctional in that flick. At least I managed to sit through it though - last week, I got up and left halfway through There Will Be Blood. I don't make it any secret that I can't stomach horror movies, but the other thing that really gets to me is tension. And I don't mean regular run-of-the-mill tension need to make a good story, I mean where they're obviously winding you up for something to happen. That was the feeling I got last week, and why I finally had to leave; that sort of suspense just crawls up my spine. (Honestly, I think I would have handled it better if not for that freaking soundtrack).

Got a translation project due on Tuesday - not too worried about it, just need to get it done. No math homework this weekend makes me a happy panda. Been chatting with Dr. Minnick about his radio project and my postcards. Need to set up an advising appointment soon, playing with recording technology, going to play some PSP this weekend. Life's pretty okay lately.

It's Been an Odd Week

Monday was business as usual. Tuesday was me sleeping through my alarm, a fire alarm interrupting Algebra, Approaches to Lit. was cancelled, and I didn't go to Adolescent Lit. because I had to meet Mom for art. Wednesday, Career Perspectives was cancelled due to lack of speaker and Film was a test I finished in 30 minutes. Thursday was mostly normal, though I left Adolescent Lit. early to make writing class where one of the members that we haven't seen in a month showed up and I got to say "fuck" a lot. And today, Friday, after my usual middle school not-tutoring stuff I went to a party downtown for the school literary magazine and spent most of the time reading because the place is apparently also a bookstore.

So I feel like I've accomplished nothing and a lot this week. It's a weird sensation.

Also, I wrote a bunch of color poems.