Surrogate

I stopped using his full title
because it started sounding too formal,
and it’s hard to be standoffish with someone
who swaps albums and memories so generously,
who loves German chocolate but hates the smell of oranges,
who knows me by my boneless,
drowsy form on the couch and by my words.

And maybe one day he’ll ask
me to drop the title altogether and call him Brad,
but I won’t.
Because it sounds too much like dad,
and I’m afraid of slipping up.




I don't want anyone to misunderstand me - I'm not unloved. My family is quite large. I've never wanted for anything, partly because I so rarely ask for anything that when I do it's such a novelty that I'm not often refused. But they don't really know I write. They know, but not really.

It's like when you're a kid and you make a crappy crayon drawing and show it to Mom and you get that not-really-there pat on the head and a "that's nice" because she's tired and has been working all day and your scribbles aren't really a priority, you know? It's not anyone's fault. I'm glad my family has never shown much interest in my writing. I would have censored myself. I would have been too careful. But at the same time, now that I have the proper lens to examine it by, I know that it would have been nice to have that support. And that's where Doc came in.

About this time last year I started getting these glimpses of humanity in a figure that had previously been very distant and it intrigued me. I wrote about it. I gave him the results. And Doc was the first person that ever asked to read more of my writing, not for a grade in a class, not as part of a writing group, not as part of an exchange, but just because he wanted to. Just because he thought it was something special.

I've talked about the relationship enough that I don't have to go into details, but I noticed this a few weeks ago when he told me how much he loved German chocolate cake because my dad loves German chocolate cake and it was like something in my head went click.

I don't know. I guess what baffles me about the whole thing is that I never realized I needed that support and approval until he waltzed in and just gave it to me without even thinking about it. I can't explain how fulfilling and satisfying it is to have someone like that in my life.